89 - The Path Between Pain and Possibility

Ever since I started writing here,

I’ve been talking more openly about my depression to others.

Not because I finally decided to seek help,

but because I’ve started caring less about how people judge me.

And because I know that if I want to help someone who’s struggling,

they need to know I’m in the same boat as them.

I never trusted advice from people who’ve never lived with this.

I still don’t.

People who haven’t been here don’t know the demons inside our heads.

And even those of us who do live with it

barely know how to deal with it ourselves 

myself included.

Maybe it is a way of seeking help,

Searching for comrades to walk along the same dark path. 

It may look that I'm better now,

Being able to think this way,

But no,

I’m just learning how to live with it.

There’s a difference.

Ever since opening up,

I’ve received a lot of throwaway advice 

well‑intentioned, but weightless.

“Try not to think about it.”

“Do something fun.”

“Go out with your friends.”

But that’s like telling someone who’s drowning

to just swim.

Knowing what to do

is not the same as knowing how to do it,

or how to gather the strength to even try.

And then there’s the fear of healing 

if healing is even the right word.

Most of my life, as far back as I can remember,

I’ve lived with some kind of pain,

some kind of darkness.

Not always this intense,

but always there.

I may forget at some joyful moments but if I look deep inside, it still there waiting for me 

It shaped who I am now

And it scares me to imagine who I’d be without it.

Would I even know how to live like that?

Would I recognise myself?

People talk about the two end goals 

the dark one and the bright one 

How one day it will get better 

as if the path to either is clear.

as if there are sign post indicating where I should go to get to the brighter side

But the truth is,

both paths are blurry,

both are frightening,

and both require a kind of courage

I’m still trying to find.

And so I keep going, 

not toward the light or the dark, 

but through the uncertainty that lives between them.