88 - The Room I Fear More Than the World Outside

I’m back. 

Back in this room inside my head 

the one I keep pretending isn’t mine. 

I sit facing the wall again, 

refusing to look at the shadow in the centre. 

It’s strange how familiar this place feels, 

how quickly I slip into it, 

how heavy the air becomes when my own mind stops feeling like a safe place.

The noises start again. 

Not always words, 

not always clear  

just enough to pull me toward the version of myself I used to be, 

the one I’m terrified still lives here.

And like always, 

I start scanning the world for someone else’s pain.

Not to compare, 

not to feel superior, 

not to share my pain,

but to find someone I can “help.”

I don’t even like calling it help. 

It sounds too noble, too clean. 

What I’m really doing is trying to survive 

casting a light on someone else so the room in my head looks a little less dark. 

If I focus on their struggles, 

I don’t have to turn around and face the shadow waiting for me.

But the light never lasts. 

It’s just a candle  

a small, trembling flame that warms me for a moment before it burns out. 

And when it does, 

I’m left here again, 

sitting in the dimness, 

facing the wall, 

pretending I don’t feel the pull of the shadow behind me.

And the irony is almost cruel 

the most uncomfortable place in this world 

isn’t outside, where I have to wear a mask, 

where I have to pretend I’m fine 

it’s here, 

inside my own head, 

where the mask comes off and the darkness has nowhere else to go.

Where pretending everything is ok is not an option 

This is the only place in this world I try to run away from

By endlessly tying to searches for someone to save

so I don’t have to face myself. 

I would rather carry another person’s burden than confront my own. 

Because I know exactly how fragile I am 

and how easily I could slip back into the darkness 

if I look too closely at what’s waiting in the centre of this room.

And yet here I am again  

back inside my head, 

back in the place I never wanted to return to, 

back with the shadow I’ve been avoiding

And I know deep inside,

One day I'll have to make my decision

And instead of circling the room forever 

I’ll have to turn and face what’s been waiting for me all this time