67 - Alive but Not Living

There are no words to describe 

what I felt in those first years of looking after my brother.

Loneliness? 

No, that doesn’t capture it. 

I had cut ties with all my friends, 

yet I was constantly surrounded

at work, 

at home, 

always on guard. 

And still, 

I felt something beyond loneliness.

The lack of emotional engagement with customers,

with my brother, 

left me hollow. 

Joy vanished. 

Every day became a battle with depression, 

anxiety, 

and anger. 

I still don’t know what to call it.

The social dance we once shared with customers was gone. 

Any glimpse of happiness in them sparked resentment. 

Why me? Why me…

Fake smiles triggered me. 

Words of encouragement

 “You’re doing great” or "You are doing the best you can do"

only brewed anger inside. 

It wasn’t their fault. 

But back then, 

I needed somewhere to send my emotions. 

I just needed somebody to receive my anger

Because in front of him, 

I could not.

Alive and breathing, 

but not living. 

I was trying to give him what I didn’t have. 

Trying to offer what I didn’t even know.

In the end, 

I only changed the location of where he could die, 

and gave him a lot more reasons to do so.