44 - The Isolation Behind My Strength

While holding it together, 

I lost most of my feelings. 

I replaced them with a mask

a persona I created for the outside world.

Something functional. 

Something strong. 

Something that could survive.

But beneath that mask, 

I was grieving. 

Sad. 

Lonely.

And in that grief, 

I cut ties. 

With friends. 

With acquaintances. 

With the life I once knew.

Some I left behind because I was ashamed.

Some because I didn’t want to be judged.

Some because they never saw what I was beneath the mask. 

And most, because I believed it wasn’t their battle to fight. 

It was mine. 

Mine alone.

I isolated myself. 

Like I think many of us do 

when the pain feels too heavy to share. 

We don’t want to burden others. 

We don’t want to be inconvenient. 

We know everyone has their own problems. 

So we disappear.

Gradually, 

I faded from everyone. 

Even those who tried to stay eventually moved on. 

And I don’t blame them.

In the end, 

I was in the dark. 

Alone. 

Fending for myself.

I became strong, 

at least on the surface. 

But the cost was too big.

I lost touch with everybody. 

I had no one to help me. 

And with every fall, 

there were fewer people to catch me.

Fewer arms to lean on. 

Fewer voices to remind me I mattered.

Now, 

it’s hard to find a light. 

Hard to find a way out.

I thought being independent and strong would make things easier. 

Better. 

Less complicated.

But I just got stuck. 

In a place with no one to help me climb out.