35 - Noise in the Absence of Sound

I’m used to silence. 

Not the kind that surrounds you, 

but the kind that lives inside your head 

The kind where your mind goes blank

just a quiet void.

Dark tranquillity 

I’ve spent years like that

So many years that I grew accustomed to it.

Sitting in corners, 

staring at screens, 

And not watching, 

not thinking, 

not feeling. 

Just existing.

That silence kept me sane. 

But not all silence is like that,

not the kind that comes before sleep. 

That silence is unbearable.

When the lights go out, 

and the world dims, 

my mind wakes up. 

It tries to fill the quiet with thoughts I didn’t ask for. 

Sometimes ordinary, 

but mostly dark. 

Loud. 

Unrelenting.

To the point I cannot sleep.

So for the past ten years, 

I haven’t slept in silence. 

I play music, 

or let a stream run in the background. 

Not to listen. 

Not to watch. 

Just to drown out the silence before it drowns me.

It’s not noise I need. 

It’s a shield. 

A distraction. 

A way to keep the dark from creeping in when the world goes quiet.

The only way to get some peace

Before I start it all over again