29 - The Weight We Brew Together

Every now and then, 

I have trainees in the shop. 

Learning how to brew coffee the way I do.

Sometimes they’re staff from other shops, sometimes just someone curious about the craft.

I teach them everything I know,

little by little. 

Sometimes for weeks, 

Sometimes for months.

They all struggle at first. 

But sometimes, 

the struggle isn’t with the training. 

It’s something else. 

Something in their life clouding their mind, making it hard to focus.

I should just get through the training. 

Tick the boxes. 

Move on. 

But I can’t.

I see the stress. 

The sadness. 

The weight they might be carrying. 

And I can’t help but try to help. 

I don’t want whatever’s bothering them to grow into something bigger.

I’m not a therapist. 

Why should I help them when I can’t even help myself?

Their personal life shouldn't be my concern.

But something in me reacts. 

The part some people see and call kind. 

But the truth is,

I’m broken. 

And maybe, 

just maybe, 

helping them is my way of trying to heal myself.

A quiet hope that one of them might truly understand me. 

Might help me carry this burden.

But that never happens.

Instead, 

I end up carrying theirs on top of mine.

Most don’t open up right away. 

They just say, 

“I’m tired.” 

"I didn't sleep well"

Something I used to say too.

But I know. 

So I open up a little. 

Share a piece of myself. 

To make it easier to share their story

It shocks them, 

how dark it is beneath the silly, friendly surface.

Some go quiet. 

Start to worry about me. 

Which adds more guilt. More weight.

Some open up. 

Share their own struggles.

Sometimes I can help them.

Give them advices,

The same kind that I should follow but can't.

And they go home a bit lighter

And in the end, 

I either make them worry and push them away

or I help them and carry more than I should.

It would have been more simpler if I left the line more clear, 

between trainer and trainee

Just business, 

No emotions

And now I have more thoughts. 

More burdens. 

More things to occupy my mind 

when I’m alone.