The Smile That Didn’t Save Me

People say

fake it until you make it.

I used to believe that. 

So I put on the biggest smile I could

Hoping it would bring happiness into my life. 

Hoping it would attract happy people, 

and that their light would somehow spill into mine.

It didn’t work.

I just got better at hiding behind the mask.

Better at pretending.

Better at performing joy while quietly unraveling.

It did attract happy people

but only made the contrast sharper. 

Their laughter echoed louder against the silence I carried.

I’ve seen it in others too. 

Comedians. 

Actors. 

Musicians. 

People who seem to have it all. 

Who bring joy to the world while their own souls dwell at rock bottom.

I guess sometimes the brightest smiles 

are only there to hide the darkest shadows.