30 - The Moment I Disgusted Myself

Once, long time ago, 

one of my regulars came into the shop 

with a sadness I’d never seen in him before.

I asked if he was okay. 

He told me his sister had cancer. 

Only a few months to live.

That it came all of a sudden 

that he doesn't know how to process 

I felt the pain in his words. 

I teared up a little. 

But he kept coming in every day, 

like part of his routine,

each day more drained, 

more quiet, 

more sad

As the reality start to slowly sink in.

Less than a month later, 

he came in just to tell me his sister had passed away. 

And that he’d be away for a while.

I couldn’t keep my mask on anymore. 

After he left, 

I sobbed behind the counter.

Mostly because of the sadness he was carrying,

but also, 

in a selfish, twisted way, 

because for a brief moment, 

I felt something I didn’t expect. 

Not a lasting feeling, just a flicker,

a quiet jealousy that he got the notice. 

That he had time to say goodbye.

And when I realized I felt that, 

even for a second, 

I was disgusted with myself.

But that’s the truth. 

Twisted as it is. 

That’s how I felt.

Disgusted

Ashamed on other people's expenses 

And I guess that’s the thing about grief

it doesn’t follow rules. 

It doesn’t care about what’s fair or noble.

It just shows up, 

raw and uninvited.

Sometimes in a very inappropriate way.