The Darkness I Choose to Stay With

Over ten years in the shadows. 

And I wonder,

if I stripped away all this darkness, 

would anything be left of me?

Would I still know how to move without the weight I’ve carried for so long?

Would I still recognize myself without the ache that shaped me?

Sometimes I fear 

that if I empty my soul of all the darkness it holds, 

I won’t know how to fill the space with joy.

That I will end up with a hole I cannot fill with anything 

That I’ll just stand there

hollow, 

quiet, 

waiting for something I no longer know how to receive.

Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to unlock the door 

and see what lies outside. 

Maybe that’s why I keep choosing this weight, 

Maybe that's why I keep choosing to carry others weight,

even when it breaks me.

Because somewhere along the way, 

I found comfort in the dark. 

In the ache. 

In the hollowness. 

In the silence

It’s the only feeling that still keeps me grounded. 

The only feeling that still keeps me in this world.